By 平和島 静雄 (Heiwajima Shizuo)
Modern, right-wing anarchist philosophies like anarcho-capitalism are a great source of insight into how our left-wing traditions must evolve into the future. The new revolutionary front is not in the workplace, it is in the comments section. In order to successfully achieve victories for the oppressed, we must win internet arguments, and to do that we must base our political theory on objective moral principles. Without starting from philosophical axioms constructed out of contorted metaphors that depend on the ambiguity of language, we will forever be intellectually outgunned in our politics. Without ensuring that we deal with people being wrong on the internet, the iniquities of statist oppression will creep in under our noses and we will be washed away with the current.
With this in mind, it is important that we begin developing objective moral principles so that we do not suffer decisive, early losses on the digital battleground. As you, the reader knows, our end goal is a totalitarian bureaucratic state where secret police hover over you at all times waiting to steal away the fruits of your individual labor and give it to the indolent peasants, and we need to frame this goal in terms of achieving liberty or no one will ever swallow it. Thus, we have the problem of not only pushing society towards ever more taxation and authority, but to trick everyone into thinking they are being liberated as we take away their economic freedom.
The first principle we need is one to justify taxation. There are many ways we can go about this, but clearly the best would be if we could frame it in naturalistic and egoistic terms. We should present our end goal of 100% taxation as beginning from the self:
Your body is the steward and sovereign domain of your mind. Because your body is its own sovereign, your mind is a citizen of your body. Without your body providing, managing, and distributing the space, resources, and services your mind needs in order to survive, the mind wouldn’t exist. Your body taxes your mind by using its output to improve its infrastructure. This is a principle called “self-taxation”: Your body’s stewardship of your mind makes it sovereign and grants it the right to levy a tax in any form it desires on any occupant of its sovereign domain.
From self-taxation, we can conclude that anyone who occupies collectivist territory may have taxes levied on them in order to benefit the Collective. This is the definition of “collectivist taxation”, which is what we’re all striving for. Collectivist taxation is the ultimate form of freedom because you obtain the negative liberty of freedom from making decisions about production, and it encompasses all other forms of liberty. Instead of the oppressive conditions that anarcho-capitalism would put us under, in a truly free society no individual needs to make a decision and may blindly obey the Collective instead.
Rather than describing things in complicated nuance, we can simply examine any situation under the simple lens of taxation. A society without taxes is a total dystopian nightmare. To deny the right to taxation is to initiate the use of violence against the Collective by encroaching on its domain without offering anything in return. This is the moral equivalent of child murder or dog rape, and we, the Collective, suggest that you use these analogies any time someone suggests lowering or eliminating taxes.
Murder violates the right to tax because the murderer is destroying individuals’ ability to pay the tax. Theft violates the right to tax because the thief is stealing potential tax revenue from the Collective. The idea of an anarcho-capitalist society where no one pays taxes to an all-encompassing state is literally genocide, and therefore we are justified in defending our communes with mass murder on a lesser scale than actual genocide.
The second principle we need is one to justify secret police. In order to have a truly free society, no one may initiate force against the Collective. As we’ve established, the reason for this is because doing so would violate their right to taxation. Therefore, to be free we must have the ability to prevent the initiation of force and respond to the initiation of force. The problem is that regular police are too obvious with their uniforms, causing people to simply wait until they are out of sight of the police to commit their brutal tax-evading crimes.
Therefore, a free society must have secret police, or no one’s rights can be guaranteed. There is a high risk in creating secret police of double-agents causing violence and oppression by disobeying the Collective. Secret police mustn’t know the identities of other secret police so that they can all monitor one another and prevent disobedience. In fact, we cannot be sure that no one will be outside of the eye of the secret police unless everyone is one of the secret police. Total oppression is the true source of freedom. This principle is called “panslavery”.
With these extremely well-thought-out, objective moral principles, we must take to the internets and turn the tide of the revolution in our favor. Quitting your job to manage a half-dozen sockpuppets on Youtube, Facebook, Twitter, Snapchat, and Yo is the least you can do for the Collective. We need to enslave the hard-working anarcho-capitalists and their potential cis white male followers, who are hundreds of times more productive than the individuals in the Collective. Without these highly productive individuals creating all the products for the Collective’s use, there is no way that the Collective can live off the fruits of others’ labor. Not a single one of us wants to work and in order to guarantee that outcome, step one is to start winning online debates.
Armed with the dual weapons of self-taxation and panslavery, it should be a snap to trick people into achieving our dreams for us. We, elite members of the Collective, and you, the indoctrinated reader, and slowly trick society into pushing us incompetent slackers up to the top of the pyramid. We call this the “ramp strategy”, and it will put our left-wing cult squarely on the shoulders of the giants. Get out there troops, and start brainwashing people.